Square One...

It's been a long time since posting. The gap has been violently filled with work. Not work that I enjoy, but work that I need to do to carry on living in a house. I am living in the space between having just graduated, and finding a job, and it's a job to find a job.

I've made it down to the final two in a really promising role, but didn't make it in the end. It must have been close because the reasons that separated me from the other candidate were small. So I'm back to square one.

Back to square one.

I think that sums up where I feel I'm at completely. I'm not so upset at not getting a job, but the fact that until I am hired, I will be at square one. I'm so sick of square one.

Normally, I'd try to write an eloquent and hopefully use a beautiful combination of words in a blog post, normally I'd proof read. Not this time. I just don't have the energy.

Square one has an insatiable appetite for energy, it's a one way appetite, there is no return. You give and it takes, and takes, and takes. Honestly I'm not sure what's left to give.

So with that I'm done for now.  

Much Ado About Something

I feel like the fabric that has held my life together has been pulled taught. And between the separated strands new things have been allowed to leak in like an intrusive breeze. I'm still undecided whether it's good thing, or something to remedy.

Welcome to the process.

Sometimes adjustment requires some core shakings. I'm aware of that, but, this is a different level of uncomfort. This has dire repercussions. Eternity hangs like water on this particular thread. And that's the weight I'm digging away at. There's a metaphoric pile of something on the path I call life. I'm not even sure what it is. But it covers the only thing that has been a constant. It's heavy in that sense. The one constant in my life feels like a vase knocked off a table. It was something beautiful, but it's spread like pain on the floor, it's insides exposed and open to be prodded.

One of two things can happen. Either it'll be deemed worthless collected into a pile and thrown away. Or what we've all been looking for will have spilt from it's insides. It's that simple. And yet it's more than that. It's complicated like life.

You want to know what this whole thing is over. Well I'm not even sure what to call it. I can't seem to articulate what it is or what happened. Somewhere between me and my keyboard the words are disappearing like spilt coins in a busy street.

I don't like it. In fact I hate it.

But... That's where things are.

This will change my life. I'll be throwing away a vase I dearly love, or it'll spill it's life like blood, and re-colour my dulling peripheries.

And on that bombshell....

One more chapter to revise...

Night before the first of my last exams. That did make sense. I have a friend who very rightly pointed out that it's never really over. Work and life are full of exam like situations. However, they're not directly called exams, and thus I'm happier to face them. It's like Newton's fifth law. Exams (E) suck in proportion to the the relative time endured (TE) and the time to go (Te) in days till the end of your degree, thus;

E=TE(Te)

That is all, one more chapter to go...

©2010 Sean Tuckey

You.

Our barter with time,

patronage to something eternal.

Patronage for hope.

Unknown shadows yield,

to where we go.

Rippling time,

In fabric dimensions.

Midnight express,

at high noon.

Churning coal,

Burning for the next corner,

straining at brass,

Set the lever for the second heat.

Beating pulse,

and 158.

Beyond the bend,

lies my biggest guess.

My quest for what's next,

has thrown clouds to the sky,

and ashes into my eyes.

My eyes burn at my future.

You.

Period of my heart beat.

Metronome to what s real

You,

make it real to me.

Set the lever for the final step.

I'll give you my full-stop,

and wrap it around your finger.

The fabric that still rests,

We'll push it back,

Force it's perpetuity,

and call it's bluff.

You.

And me.

©2010 Sean Tuckey

We have this thing...

Humans.

We are identical in function to any other mammal. We experience a chemical cascade and interpret it as emotion. But we're more than just an interpretation of chemical signals. We're essentially animals, but there is something more.

We have this 'thing'... ...somewhere

Where ever it is, it seems able to translate chemicals into a human response. A higher response. Something an animal would just not get. Which means we as humans live in the tension between animal and something greater. We know that. We have cognitive thought, moral and ethical development. Our mental capacity extends beyond the hunt: mate: survive.

Most of the time.

I think that because we live in the human:animal tension we have the opportunity to experience existence on each side of the scale; animal and human. I picture it like a canyon, where you, the human, is suspended in the middle. Each decision you make alters your balance, you sway from animal to human and vis versa. And that 'thing' that interprets your chemicals get louder on the greater-than side, and softer on the animal side.

So, animals. We've got some of it. I think when you are incapable of treating another person like a human, you're as bad as an animal. Simply mating on a one night stand. Disregard in any form is animalistic, it's all derivative of pack instinct. It all comes down to value. And sometimes we all need to be reminded of our value, as humans., of what it is to be human. On how to save a life. There is something more to life than existing as an animal. We're designed for greater things, and anything below those designs simply won't attract a human response, or a human appreciation and satisfaction.

What got me onto this....

Human emotion at it's purest. Love...

©2010 Sean Tuckey

Where. Just where...

How many different soils have you stood on with your shoes. I've fallen in love with the world, ever since seeing India. It's the rawest form of the world I've experienced. And I brought some of it back on my shoes. But I also brought it back somewhere in me. Somewhere in me I have a small part of India, and subsequently every place I've been since. 

Oh I just miss the world...

©2010 Sean Tuckey

Hmmm...

I have a new phone. Some times I like it, but just as I've written that I begin to dislike it. See the thing is, it's a smart-phone. I like the paper and pen approach to life. I like diaries, journals, and real notes. I like the newspaper. I also play the bass. Which sounds like a tangent but it's not. It only has four strings, and I like that minimalistic approach to things, I think my phone should represent that. If I were to pick a representative instrument, it would be a seven string electric guitar with built in kaos pad, and finished in silver. Because it sounds fantastically technological, and you could probably make great things happen, like control Mexico, but for the life of me I don't know where it switches off. Nor do I really want to. It has features that I don't want to use, my journal will gather dust. And on principal I don't like real things gathering dust, will virtual things replace them.

And that is why I will never buy a Rasberry, or an iPhone with rubber things, and apps.


©2010 Sean Tuckey